Wreckage

Simon came over yesterday to drop off the spare key to my car. About 30 seconds after letting him in, I started crying uncontrollably. Snot all down my face, big fat tears, body shaking sobs. And he didn't react to it at all. I hugged him, kissed his cheek, and tried to radiate all my love through every cell of my body, hoping that something in his body would absorb it.

I asked him if he would go to marriage counselling with me. He replied, "I can't answer that right now." Even with that statement, I was still determined to get through to him.

We tried making small talk, but I kept snapping answers at all his questions. A reflex from the endless interrogations through out our relationship. He started getting agitated with me.

He wants me to accept the blame for the things I did wrong in the relationship. Now for most people, it's very difficult to look inwards and recognize mistakes and apologize for the ugly things they have done. I have been digging deep within myself over the last 3 1/2 weeks to see if there was anything I could have done differently.

I could have been more patient. But my patience had run out. I could have kissed and made up more often than not. But how can I forgive the same sin over and over and over? I can honestly say from the bottom of my core, I am not to blame. Try explaining that to the bull that sees only red.

I can also say with certainty that 90% of the problem lies with Simon. I will accept 10% of the blame.

Simon told me he was extremely angry and hurt that I never took his feelings into consideration. How can I take into consideration feelings that are not based in reality? His reality is that I am a liar, a cheat and out to stab him in the heart. Not once in our entire relationship did I ever do anything remotely deserving of such rage and anger. Nonetheless, he wanted me to take his feelings into consideration. I just couldn't - and can never - take those feelings into account for anything other than the rantings of a delusional man.

It didn't take too long before the whole scene turned ugly. Screaming, crying, blaming, anger, anger, rage, rage.

He left. I cried for the rest of the day. I am grieving him as though he has died.