Public Service Announcement

Ladies and gentlemen, please listen and believe me when I say, "Don't drink and Facebook".

(Insert long, exasperated, audible sigh here.)

As you can probably guess from my posting last night, I did the exact opposite. There is a very good reason why one should never pour alcohol onto an open flame.

And to illustrate why this is true, here's the rest of the story as it happened, before I posted to my blog. If nothing, I'm definitely able to look myself in the mirror, in the harsh light of the morning after. :P

(Insert strange mystical time warping music here.)

After waking up to pay the cab driver for the ride and thank him for not molesting me while I was passed out, I stagger into my apartment, throw everything onto the floor and turn on my computer.

I log into Facebook and immediately change my status to read "Ann-Marie is geezus crazy drunk. 1:41am" I was secretly hoping that would elicit some sort of reaction from Simon. Something that at least involved a synapse or two popping.

I scroll through my mini feeds and see what all my friends are doing. Everything looks good - a few pokes here, a couple of Garden additions there, oh and some Questions were answered! All a-okay in Facebook land.

Then my alcohol-soaked brain decides it would be a tremendously GOOD thing to check Simon's profile. Honestly people, I hadn't checked it for about a week. I know that doesn't seem like much of an accomplishment, but it really was seeing as I had gone from checking it 50 times a day to only once in a week. It had been a small victory for me which I had been proud of and celebrated in my mind. And then I blew it all to hell.

I see his profile status set to "Simon is happy!!!!" which of course results in my brain exploding in four different places. I immediately check his mini feed for some clue to his joy. Nothing much happened in the week I wasn't checking, except for a new friend connection that day.

Simon and Sarah Herren are now friends. 12:06am

I quickly click on Sarah's name to see who this person is. I have never heard him mention a Sarah Herren. It is of course, the same Sarah that we all know and loathe. I don't understand why she would go through the trouble of changing her last name, but not bother to set her profile to private. Duh.

In light of this new information, I changed my status to "Ann-Marie is geezus crazy mad. Who knew it would take my soon to be ex husband less than two months to get over me and move on to a SUPER SLUT SARAH HERREN aka SARAH CROCKER. 1:52am"

And if that weren't enough, I opened up a new mail message to Simon which read as follows:

Subject: Sarah

Just because she changed her last name doesn't mean I don't know who she is. YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR. GO HAVE FUN WITH SARAH, ASSHOLE. And I'm so glad to see you are happy on Facebook. Nice to know you can get over a MARRIAGE with the woman you SUPPOSEDLY LOVE more than ANYTHING in just under TWO MONTHS. Well, at least I know where I stand now.

And that is when I started the oh-so-eloquently titled post last night.

Epilogue

I received two messages this morning through Facebook. One from Simon and one from you guessed it, Sarah!

Simon's message (apologies for the lack of grammar and misuse of punctuation):

Subject: Sarah

i was happy about the convention stupid..and for the last time sarah is not WITH ME...HOLY FUCK..WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU....IM NOT WITH ANY SARAH WITH ANY NAME ..... I AM NOT WITH SARAH AND I AM NOT LYING YOU FUCKING BITCH...GOD!!!!!!! YOUR ATTITUDE SUCKS.....WHY DONT YOU TALK TO ME INSTEAD OF ASSUMING....AND I WANT AN APPOLOGY...NO IF'S AND'S OR BUTS...YOU SAY SORRY....IF YOU ARE SO CONCERNED ABOUT ME GOING ANYWHERE, OR WITH SOMEONE ELSE...YOU SHOULD HAVE HELD ON TO ME....JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE NOW...

Sarah's message (the queen of run on sentences):

Subject: hi

just so you know simon and i are not together i have just re added him and we have only spoken once regardless what you may think of me i am very sorry for propositioning simon when i shouldnt have it know it was wrong and im sorry please take thoes words about me off your personal message