Of the many things that Simon ruined for me with his angry paranoid delusions, my 31st birthday was one of the most awful public displays of fuck-titude.
That birthday started with drama and ended in disaster. Simon was to have made reservations for my bowling birthday bash at the local bowling alley. He didn't quite get around to that teeny detail and when we showed up, only 5 pin lanes were available. So we headed upstairs to the 5 pin lanes and I tried calling all my expected guests to let them know of the change. I got a hold of most, but some I didn't. So I was constantly keeping an eye on the door to see if my friends had found the place.
Simon decided that I was in fact checking out some guy who happened to be standing by the door the entire time. He freaked out and started screaming at me in front of everyone. I burst into tears and sent everyone home. Happy effing birthday to me.
My 33rd birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I decided that I want to do over my 31st birthday. So I whipped up a Facebook invite and sent it to all my friends, which included the horrible story as to why I wanted a do over.
The one thing I didn't take into consideration is that my invite is public, and available to anyone on Facebook, including stupid ex-husbands who have nothing better to do than to troll around Facebook in the early morning hours doing searches on your name.
I got a message in my Facebook inbox this morning. Here it is, in all its grammatical dysfunction.
Subject: happy birthday( loser)
Date: Today at 5:35am
have fun at bowling....it was lame anyhow.....you just want attention...
grow up....
Hmmmm. Uh. Yeah. Can we say "restraining order coming soon"?
Monday, January 21, 2008
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Home Invasion
Over the last week, I've been having crazy nightmares about Simon. The general theme is him coming back into my life in some way.
Most of these dreams take place in the house I grew up in. I did a quick Google search and it turns out that when you dream about a house, it represents your soul.
Last night's dream was particularly crazy and weird. I was back at my old house and I was looking for the spare key to my car. I suddenly realized that Simon had somehow snagged it, and took the car out. He was sending me text messages telling me he'd be home soon.
I remember thinking that he was going to go ape shit when he got home. The reason I was so desperate to get my car was because I had plans the next day with my friend Ryan, and I was driving. Simon didn't know that Ryan and I had become so close. Simon would come home expecting that I take him to wherever it was I was going but of course, I would have to come clean about making plans without him.
He called me and told me he'd won a prize a karaoke and he was going to stay and drink some more. I was like fine, take your time. That would give me some time to come up with a way to distract him and get the key away from him.
He finally showed up and got out of the car. I tried to distract him long enough to get the key. It worked, I snagged it and hid it in my underwear. I noticed he'd gotten a bunch of tattoos on his arms, all bleeding heart type. He grabbed me and started to dance with me. I tried to wiggle free but I couldn't. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to be near him.
Eventually he let me go and wanted to go back to the car. I managed to sneak back into my house and started madly packing things. My brothers and some friends were in the living room now, playing Nintendo.
I ran up to my bedroom still searching, looking for something. I'm not really sure what it was. All I know is there was a sense of panic, I had to get out of there fast before Simon could figure out that we hadn't been together in the last 6 months and that I was moving on.
Then I woke up because snot was running down my face from a stupid cold I managed to catch this week.
I never took psychology in university, but this one seems pretty clear to me. I'm feeling anxious about Simon because he's been very quiet lately. The last time I heard from him was a text message at Christmas. I never responded. I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully it's in the form of him telling me he's found his new soul mate and wants to file for divorce.
Most of these dreams take place in the house I grew up in. I did a quick Google search and it turns out that when you dream about a house, it represents your soul.
Last night's dream was particularly crazy and weird. I was back at my old house and I was looking for the spare key to my car. I suddenly realized that Simon had somehow snagged it, and took the car out. He was sending me text messages telling me he'd be home soon.
I remember thinking that he was going to go ape shit when he got home. The reason I was so desperate to get my car was because I had plans the next day with my friend Ryan, and I was driving. Simon didn't know that Ryan and I had become so close. Simon would come home expecting that I take him to wherever it was I was going but of course, I would have to come clean about making plans without him.
He called me and told me he'd won a prize a karaoke and he was going to stay and drink some more. I was like fine, take your time. That would give me some time to come up with a way to distract him and get the key away from him.
He finally showed up and got out of the car. I tried to distract him long enough to get the key. It worked, I snagged it and hid it in my underwear. I noticed he'd gotten a bunch of tattoos on his arms, all bleeding heart type. He grabbed me and started to dance with me. I tried to wiggle free but I couldn't. He couldn't understand why I didn't want to be near him.
Eventually he let me go and wanted to go back to the car. I managed to sneak back into my house and started madly packing things. My brothers and some friends were in the living room now, playing Nintendo.
I ran up to my bedroom still searching, looking for something. I'm not really sure what it was. All I know is there was a sense of panic, I had to get out of there fast before Simon could figure out that we hadn't been together in the last 6 months and that I was moving on.
Then I woke up because snot was running down my face from a stupid cold I managed to catch this week.
I never took psychology in university, but this one seems pretty clear to me. I'm feeling anxious about Simon because he's been very quiet lately. The last time I heard from him was a text message at Christmas. I never responded. I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully it's in the form of him telling me he's found his new soul mate and wants to file for divorce.
Friday, January 18, 2008
The Ayes Have It
So my little poll closed with 100% of you voting that I should file for divorce.
My first reaction would be to fall to peer pressure. After all, you have an outside perspective. Which is usually a clearer, less emotional way of looking at things.
However, I had long discussion with my therapist and have concluded that I won't file for divorce.
Shock! Horror! Dismay!
I thank the 6 of you for your input - believe me, your click was not in vain.
The root of the issue was figuring out what was more important for me, having the marriage dissolved, or having Simon take responsibility for this disaster.
I explained my problem to my therapist, and even begged her to tell me what to do. She laughed and said she couldn't tell me what to do, but she could help me look at the pros and cons of the situation. So I told her everything I was feeling about why I should and shouldn't. And then she reiterated it back to me. It's always different hearing it come back from a person who has absolutely no emotional attachment to you. And as I listened to her telling me what I had just told her, the decision was suddenly so clear.
As I have said many times in the last 6 months, I will never sign a marriage license again. I will have another wedding, but when it comes to the part where we sit down and sign the marriage license, that will be very purposefully omitted from the programme.
For me, I have absolutely nothing to lose by not having the marriage legally dissolved. I have a signed separation agreement that is legal and binding. So as far as I'm concerned, it's done.
For Simon, I'm sure he will be looking to make some unlucky woman Wife #3. He will need more than a signed separation agreement to make that happen.
I understand that at some point I will have to deal with him again. He will need to contact me to get the marriage certificate, as that is required to file for divorce. But that will be a small price to pay to know that he will finally take responsibility in cleaning up the mess he made.
My first reaction would be to fall to peer pressure. After all, you have an outside perspective. Which is usually a clearer, less emotional way of looking at things.
However, I had long discussion with my therapist and have concluded that I won't file for divorce.
Shock! Horror! Dismay!
I thank the 6 of you for your input - believe me, your click was not in vain.
The root of the issue was figuring out what was more important for me, having the marriage dissolved, or having Simon take responsibility for this disaster.
I explained my problem to my therapist, and even begged her to tell me what to do. She laughed and said she couldn't tell me what to do, but she could help me look at the pros and cons of the situation. So I told her everything I was feeling about why I should and shouldn't. And then she reiterated it back to me. It's always different hearing it come back from a person who has absolutely no emotional attachment to you. And as I listened to her telling me what I had just told her, the decision was suddenly so clear.
As I have said many times in the last 6 months, I will never sign a marriage license again. I will have another wedding, but when it comes to the part where we sit down and sign the marriage license, that will be very purposefully omitted from the programme.
For me, I have absolutely nothing to lose by not having the marriage legally dissolved. I have a signed separation agreement that is legal and binding. So as far as I'm concerned, it's done.
For Simon, I'm sure he will be looking to make some unlucky woman Wife #3. He will need more than a signed separation agreement to make that happen.
I understand that at some point I will have to deal with him again. He will need to contact me to get the marriage certificate, as that is required to file for divorce. But that will be a small price to pay to know that he will finally take responsibility in cleaning up the mess he made.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Un-anniversary
January 8, 2006: I walked down the aisle at a little chapel in Las Vegas.
January 8, 2008: I walked down the street in the rain in downtown Toronto.
Happy un-anniversary to me.
January 8, 2008: I walked down the street in the rain in downtown Toronto.
Happy un-anniversary to me.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Flirty Fun
I went dancing last night with 3 girlfriends, including my Divorce Twin. We hit a packed club, rocked the dance floor and ended up dancing the night away with a pack of hotties. It was two boys for every girl! I was the meat in a hottie sandwich. LOL.
My hips were bumped, my bum was grabbed and I even got a few kisses. I gave my phone number out to two different boys! Count 'em - TWO! I know they won't ever call, but the fact they asked me gave my ego a much needed boost.
Not once did I think about Simon. My DT was also happy to report that she didn't think once about her ex either.
I think this is it folks ... the turning point! :)
My hips were bumped, my bum was grabbed and I even got a few kisses. I gave my phone number out to two different boys! Count 'em - TWO! I know they won't ever call, but the fact they asked me gave my ego a much needed boost.
Not once did I think about Simon. My DT was also happy to report that she didn't think once about her ex either.
I think this is it folks ... the turning point! :)
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Spring Cleaning
I'm trying really hard to clear out the shit I've carried around with me for years. For starters, cleaning out my inbox from my professional website. I've been unable to sleep tonight, so I thought I should start sifting through 5 year old emails. I'm hanging on to a few of these emails, but deleting the rest as I migrate to a new hosting service.
These emails have brought up memories of people and situations that I haven't thought about in years. And I look at how frustrated and upset I was about those things back then.
I read an email I sent to an ex boyfriend of mine telling him exactly what I thought of him. I read an actual apology email from an asshole who stood me up repeatedly, sent about a year after the fact. I read an email about how a friend and I "broke up". And I read a few emails from a person I thought would always be a friend of mine but has slowly faded out of my life.
If I only knew then what I know now. Hindsight is truly 20/20. How evil of time to be linear like that.
Along with cleaning out old emails, I need to clean my bedroom. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Part of the reason is because I just don't have proper storage for clothing. I still have the same bedroom furniture from when I was 6 years old. It's one of the few tangible things I have left that my mother gave to me before she died. So over the years, I've thought a lot about getting new furniture, and then I get horribly guilty about throwing it out. I think that my mom would forgive me, now in my 30s, for getting furniture that would actually accommodate my adult size clothing.
I also need to get a new bed. Frame, mattress and box spring. I chucked out my frame to please my stupid ex husband. It too, was a relic from my 6 year old bedroom. But it was incredibly old and rickety and was ready to fall apart. As for my mattress and box spring, they are perfectly fine. However, I will never be able to share that bed with another man. So I need to get new ones and hopefully that will allow me to have rebound sex sometime in the near future.
Maybe that's why I can't sleep tonight - too much to clean out.
These emails have brought up memories of people and situations that I haven't thought about in years. And I look at how frustrated and upset I was about those things back then.
I read an email I sent to an ex boyfriend of mine telling him exactly what I thought of him. I read an actual apology email from an asshole who stood me up repeatedly, sent about a year after the fact. I read an email about how a friend and I "broke up". And I read a few emails from a person I thought would always be a friend of mine but has slowly faded out of my life.
If I only knew then what I know now. Hindsight is truly 20/20. How evil of time to be linear like that.
Along with cleaning out old emails, I need to clean my bedroom. It looks like a cyclone hit it. Part of the reason is because I just don't have proper storage for clothing. I still have the same bedroom furniture from when I was 6 years old. It's one of the few tangible things I have left that my mother gave to me before she died. So over the years, I've thought a lot about getting new furniture, and then I get horribly guilty about throwing it out. I think that my mom would forgive me, now in my 30s, for getting furniture that would actually accommodate my adult size clothing.
I also need to get a new bed. Frame, mattress and box spring. I chucked out my frame to please my stupid ex husband. It too, was a relic from my 6 year old bedroom. But it was incredibly old and rickety and was ready to fall apart. As for my mattress and box spring, they are perfectly fine. However, I will never be able to share that bed with another man. So I need to get new ones and hopefully that will allow me to have rebound sex sometime in the near future.
Maybe that's why I can't sleep tonight - too much to clean out.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
To file, or not to file?
Happy New Year folks! I think 2008 is gonna be GREAT! Well, it will be great once I get a divorce certificate from the Ontario Superior Court of Justice.
Next week I would have celebrated my second wedding anniversary. Instead, I will be a week away from being able to file for divorce. I can file at the 6 month mark, and it will be finalized within the next 6 months.
Looking back, I am still amazed that I've actually come this far. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. If it weren't for the anti-depressants and the time off work, I would have certainly killed myself.
So I have a dilemma now. Do I file, or do I wait for Simon to file? Let's look reasons for why I should file, versus why he should file.
Why I should file
- I won't be tied to him anymore
- I know it will be done accurately and in a timely manner
- I have the money to do it (roughly $500 in total to file)
Why he should file
- It will be the only responsible thing he's done in the entire marriage
- I want him to have to deal with the inconvenience of standing in line at the court house
- I paid for the trip to Vegas to get married, he should pay for the divorce
- It's his fucking fault we're separated
And here's one big reason why I shouldn't file - he won't be able to marry anyone else as long as he's still married to me. And if that saves one woman from suffering the misery that I suffered, I think it's worth it to sit on it and wait.
However, it is the new year and I want to do positive things for myself. I think filing for divorce would be a positive step. I've already listed my engagement ring on Ebay. I plan on using the money I get from the sale to go towards buying a nice 42" LCD TV.
I've added a poll to this page with regards to my dilemma. Feel free to add your two cents. I need all the help I can get with this one.
Next week I would have celebrated my second wedding anniversary. Instead, I will be a week away from being able to file for divorce. I can file at the 6 month mark, and it will be finalized within the next 6 months.
Looking back, I am still amazed that I've actually come this far. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. If it weren't for the anti-depressants and the time off work, I would have certainly killed myself.
So I have a dilemma now. Do I file, or do I wait for Simon to file? Let's look reasons for why I should file, versus why he should file.
Why I should file
- I won't be tied to him anymore
- I know it will be done accurately and in a timely manner
- I have the money to do it (roughly $500 in total to file)
Why he should file
- It will be the only responsible thing he's done in the entire marriage
- I want him to have to deal with the inconvenience of standing in line at the court house
- I paid for the trip to Vegas to get married, he should pay for the divorce
- It's his fucking fault we're separated
And here's one big reason why I shouldn't file - he won't be able to marry anyone else as long as he's still married to me. And if that saves one woman from suffering the misery that I suffered, I think it's worth it to sit on it and wait.
However, it is the new year and I want to do positive things for myself. I think filing for divorce would be a positive step. I've already listed my engagement ring on Ebay. I plan on using the money I get from the sale to go towards buying a nice 42" LCD TV.
I've added a poll to this page with regards to my dilemma. Feel free to add your two cents. I need all the help I can get with this one.
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