Numb

Medication is a lovely thing. I've been on anti-depressants for a week now and I am in numbed bliss. Well, as blissful as one can be without actually feeling anything. Except tired and nauseous.

It's a surreal feeling, er, non-feeling. I watch TV and when the funny parts come, I laugh but it is a mechanical laugh. I watch the news and when the sad story of street racers killing innocent people is playing, I know I should be crying, but I don't.

Everything is even. Nothing makes me happy, and nothing makes me sad. I was looking back at my older posts to see if anything would illicit a reaction and nope, nothing. A week ago I would have burst into tears re-reading my stories. And now, I read it as though it happened to someone I don't even know.

I saw my therapist on Friday and usually I spend the hour bawling my face off. Not this time! Not one tear was spilled. I was able to talk about how I was feeling without actually feeling it. And I was able to listen to her advice.

My homework for the next two weeks is to work on forgiving myself. I made a mistake by marrying Simon. And as hard as it is to accept, I need to accept it and forgive myself for making that mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes because we are all human. Everyone makes huge, colossal, seemingly insurmountable mistakes at least once in a lifetime. I have done that. And now I have to say that it's okay.

It's a lot easier to rationalize these things now that I am on an even keel. Thanks to my doctor for giving me the tool I needed to get on to the path of forgiving myself.