Cross My Heart

My brother's wedding went off without a hitch. Actually, there technically was one very teeny hitch - the guys didn't wear their boutonnieres during the ceremony. The weather was perfect after waking up to pouring rain. The groomsmen all arrived on time, had eaten breakfast, and their socks matched their tuxes. The bride arrived on time and was walking down the aisle at 2:05pm, as planned. I have to pat myself on the back for a job well done. I promised my brother and his wife the perfect day and I think I delivered.

Because I had been so incredibly busy that day, I didn't have time to think about Simon at all. Which was a good thing as I had to keep my wits about me while everyone else was freaking out. With that said, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That came the next day on the drive back from St. Catharines, in the form of me bawling my eyes out for 1 1/2 hours behind the wheel of a vehicle moving at 120 km/hr. Tears and highway driving are generally not a great combination.

Prior to the festivities, I paid a visit to my doctor and let him in on the horribleness of my marriage. I blub, blub, blubbed for about an hour after which, he declared me to be depressed. Along with that title, I received parting gifts of anti-depressants and sleeping pills. Who knew crying uncontrollably had its privileges? (Insert sarcasm here, in case you couldn't figure it out.)

After arriving home somewhat safely, I walked to the drugstore and filled my prescriptions. I've started my medication and I am planning to take a leave of absence from work for a month. I still have to get approval from the company's insurance provider so that I will continue to get paid. I am not independently wealthy, or even moderately close to making ends meet. Currently the HR department doesn't think I'll be approved. In not so many words, they told me that depression isn't a "real" illness, and so why should the insurance provider pay me not to work when there's really nothing wrong with me?

Learning this has caused me even more stress. I am just trying to get it together you know? I figure I will let the meds do their job and allow me to get a grip on my emotions, so that I can go back to work and NOT want to scratch people's eyes out when they ask me for something. Every time a piece of mail comes in with my married name on it, I want to burn it to a cinder and mail back the ashes with a note saying, "NO SUCH PERSON HERE!"

At any rate, I had booked an appointment to get a massage a few weeks before my brother's wedding, knowing I would need to decompress. I went today and asked my sweet RMT to work on my shoulders, neck and back, as that is where I tend to carry my stress.

As she was working on me, I felt really awful, painful knots near the left shoulder blade. Usually the pain is on the right side of my neck and shoulders, as that comes from working with a keyboard and mouse all day long.

After she was finished, she gave me a little chart with all the trouble points she had located. She had marked a pretty large area on the left side of my back. She looked at me and asked me if I was okay. I said, "Yes!" as I always do, and she said, "I'm sensing there's something very wrong." I relented and said, "Well, yeah. There are a lot of things wrong." She asked if it was emotional or physical. I told her it was emotional. She then told me that the area which the tension had accumulated is over a large nerve centre. Right over my heart.

And that my friends, is irony at its best.