NBN

As I expected, Simon already has a girlfriend. It took him exactly 52 days to get over the love of his life. That's gotta be some sort of rebound record.

My first hint was a transaction in his bank account. I still have access to the account because he hasn't bothered to go get me removed. So I check it every now and again to see if he's won a million bucks to which I would most definitely be entitled half. I noticed he deposited a hefty sum of cash, to the tune of $1000. Interesting, seeing as he spent the last 7 months on EI. Then I noticed a stop at the LCBO. And then I spotted a trip to Naughty But Nice.

For those of you who don't regularly visit such establishments, Naughty But Nice is a chain of stores specializing in sex toys, gadgets, lubricants, and fetish gear. Simon and I never visited NBN in our entire relationship. And that's solely due to the fact that I refused to be his personal porno star.

According to Simon, I am a "nun", a "prude" and there is "something definitely wrong" with me because I don't have crazy-swinging-from-the-ceiling sex. I don't even have sometimes-on-the-couch-in-the-middle-of-the-day sex.

When I would politely refuse his suggestions, he would get so fucking mad at me. He would SCREAM at me in bed. One particular gem went something like this, "YOU CAN'T KEEP A MAN SATISFIED IN BED, THAT'S WHY NONE OF YOUR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS EVER WORKED OUT." Take a moment and imagine how absolutely humiliating that is - having your spouse scream at you while you are naked in bed about to make love. I'm sure that would make anyone feel super sexy and willing to put out.

I am a very plain person when it comes to hitting the sheets. I prefer to do it in a bed (shocking), with the lights off, and in the same position. If something works, don't break it. I tried different positions with him (and other partners for that matter), but they never got me the big "O". They were just extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing. So why do it in a way that doesn't satisfy me, just so Simon can get his porn star rocks off?

My second hint was his Facebook profile suddenly becoming private. Obviously he's got something to hide now, when for over a year his FB has been public.

My third and final clue was an email from one of his friends from high school, ranting about what an asshole he is for flaunting his new tart in his "Relationship Status" on his FB profile. Since I couldn't see it for myself, I enlisted the help of my brother who still has Simon listed as a friend on FB - which up until that moment pissed me off to no end.

My brother begrudgingly sent me a screen shot. Simon's status is "Simon is awesome!!" and he listed himself in a relationship on September 4th.

I could spend the next 37 hours or so explaining all the different kinds of hurt I am feeling. But I will simply sum it up with this point.

Simon could go fuck the stars of every porno ever made. That absolutely would not bother me. But the fact that he's fucking someone, AND giving her the special status of GIRLFRIEND so quickly after I abdicated the special status of WIFE - well, that really burns my skirt.

That fact alone makes me want to send him an email saying he was right all along. I fucked everyone he ever accused me of fucking. And not only did I fuck them all, I went to NBN with each of them, picked out the sluttiest outfits in stock, and screwed in public places all over the city in positions the Kama Sutra couldn't ever imagine.

But of course that would get me no where. Just like the last two years of my life got me no where.