Faux Beau

Since dumping the asshole I called husband, I've been hanging out a lot with my coworker Ryan. As you can tell from the last post, it has been enough to anger Simon and question me about my "relationship" with Ryan.

All tongues are wagging around the office. Apparently no one can understand that a man and a woman can spend a lot of time together and NOT be hitting the sheets.

Okay, that's true to a point with Ryan. We have shared a bed. But we haven't had monkey sex. We were both fully pyjama'd and it was totally out of necessity, as his buddy was passed out on the couch.

It was nice to cuddle with a big, warm, hunk of man. I hadn't shared a bed in 4 months and forgot how nice it can be.

I love Ryan a lot, but in the way I love my brothers. Believe me, I have toyed with the idea of humping him (It doesn't help that he has a hairy chest which is my number two turn on after blue eyes, and he's got those too.), but whenever I think about that I want to cry. I think it's because I need to have some meaningless sex first, before I can move on to any sort of "normal" relationship. But I am SOOOOOOOO far away from being ready for even meaningless sex, let alone letting anyone close enough to me to care about me.

Ryan and I have had a lot of talks about how I'm feeling and where I'm at emotionally. I told him that right now, he's my fake boyfriend. We spend all sorts of time together doing fun things like playing video games and going to the movies, he's always paying for lunches and dinners, we cuddle together and we're planning on going to Cancun the week before Xmas.

But that's it. That's all I can handle. There is no possibility of any physical intimacy. Not even a make out session or mad groping. And Ryan is the most awesome guy I know to be there for me in a way that I think would give most men blue balls.

You may think I'm leading him on, or that I'm not treating him fairly. But that would be true only if I were not absolutely clear with my intentions. He's agreed to the terms of our "relationship" and is in it with eyes wide open.